Our Alpine Symphony

In general, musicians don’t know how to take compliments.  Part of it stems from the fact that we spend all of our training dealing with criticism.  You only have so much time for lessons, coachings, and rehearsals, so of course most of that time will be spent on what to improve instead of wasting it on what was good.  The work you do on your own time is filled with constant self-criticism.  We get really good at noticing what’s wrong and ignoring what’s right.

For me, what this means is that I have a tendency to work nonstop until I run myself into the ground.  And keep going.  I just want to do everything!  I want to be the best violinist that I can be, but I also love the academic work.  And my job at UMS?  Loooove it.  But it’s a lot, and I end up juggling a lot of work with little to no allowance for stress relief.  Weekends mean time to catch up on work!  My social life mostly consists of babysitting.  I’m driven by my constant desire to improve, and no matter how many compliments I get about my achievements, it doesn’t ever feel like enough.

Lately I’ve been feeling a bit like I’m drowning.  I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in weeks, and I’m struggling with some personal demons that I really don’t have time for.  But I can’t take that as an excuse, so I’ve just been plowing through anyway.  I’m clearly tired though; in an email to one of my professors on Monday I accidentally called him by the name of one of my former CIM professors, and I always triple read my emails and yet didn’t catch the mistake.

In the spirit of trying to give myself a break, I’m going to Texas this weekend for my close friend Keith’s final MM recital!  Oh gosh, words can’t even explain.  Except I’m totally freaking out about not getting enough work done this weekend.  I want to practice and work on my papers!  Not to mention the guilt I feel over the financial aspects of the trip.  But based on my recent physical and mental health, I think that this is exactly what I need.  Keith rejuvenates my soul!  As great as my relationship is with Anran, I just need a friend like Keith to gush incoherently over works of music, jam, and to be an all around musical ninja dreamer with.  It’s going to be awesome!

And I can do work on the plane.

Nostalgic Rambling

What is it about small spherical foods that are so enjoyable?  Dippin’ Dots, for example.  Ice cream is great and all, but oh my gosh Dippin’ Dots make me so happy.  I remember the excitement I felt when I first discovered Dippin’ Dots way back in middle school, but I also STILL get just as excited when I eat Dippin’ Dots now.  And tapioca!  Little pearls of tapioca!  I love tapioca.  Maybe this says more about me as a person than about the joys brought about by small round foods.  But in the same vein, last week my roommate received a package containing five small tins of Godiva Chocoiste Dark Chocolate Pearls.  Thank goodness for generous, sharing roommates.  Chocolate is great and all, but something about little pearls of chocolate is even better.  Good things come in small packages!

Anyway, foods aside, this whole past week has been filled with nostalgia.  It started with Kenya.  I’m currently putting together the agenda for a book club session on Joseph Lemasolai Lekuton’s Facing the Lion: Growing up Maasai on the African Savanna for work, and consequently I was having a serious discussion with my boss about Kenya.  Secretly I had this running through my head during our entire conversation.   KENYA!  Man, does anyone else remember this from high school?  We were all about the Kenya song!  And from there that got me curious about all those other old popular flash videos and whatnot from high school and guys, all I can say is what the hell, the internet was so weird.  Sure, the internet is still weird now, but that was just….a whole different kind of weird.  Badger badger badger badger mushroom.  And speaking of internet weirdness, I’m sorry but why are LOLcats still popular?  This trend has lasted for far too long.

My taste in the internet may have evolved in the past however many years, but the movies that I loved?  Oh man, still love them just as much, if not more.  I ended up running Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, The Nightmare Before Christmas, and Princess Mononoke as background movies while practicing/doing homework over the course of the weekend.  Out of the three I hadn’t seen Eternal Sunshine in the longest amount of time, and I was shocked first by the fact that I had forgotten how much I loved the film, but also by how it affected me in a much different way now than it did my high school self.  Oh the joys of new dimensions to old loves!

Let’s get some Dippin’ Dots and watch old films together.

Blast from the Past

The older I get, the more I enjoy dressing up and putting together outfits.  But despite that fact, I still spend a lot of time in my scrubby 12-year-old boy clothes.  Part of it is out of self-consciousness and fear of judgment, but an equally large part of it is time.  I’m not comfortable enough yet to be able to throw on quick cute outfits.  Even this summer when I worked an office job and dressed nicely every day, my little sister and I would decide on our outfits the night before.  I’m just slow and insecure!  And I don’t go out very much these days, what with all the schoolwork and my job(s).

But on Sunday I had lunch plans with a long lost friend, so it was a perfect excuse to feel pretty!  She was my best friend in 5th grade, but I left for a middle school magnet program and we lost touch, after which her family moved anyway (this was pre-AIM, how crazy is that!).  With the creation of Facebook she tracked me down again about four or five years ago, but now we both happen to be at the University of Michigan for grad school, so we decided to meet up for lunch.

Thanks to a recommendation from my friend Kan, we hit up Cafe Zola for crepes.  Super delicious!  I got a hot cocoa and a Florentine crepe, and she got a cafe mocha and the Champignon crepe (my second choice!).  We ended up talking for a little over an hour, and it’s crazy how oddly parallel aspects of our lives have been!  I’m hoping we can rekindle our friendship and hang out again soon.

Michigan weather has been really gorgeous lately, so I figured I’d wear a dress while I still could.  The cardigan and tights were plenty to keep me warm!

Outfit Details:

Cardigan – Thrifted
Dress – Gap, Thrifted
Belt – Bebe, Gift from my sister
Houndstooth Tights – Spanx!
Shoes – Max Mara, Thrifted
Necklace – Street vendor?

Speaking of blasts from the past, my high school five year reunion is coming up.  Man!  I don’t really remember high school anymore, plus I was kind of over high school before it began,  so I doubt that I’ll go.  But we’ll see.  Boy time flies.

Fall Break

For myself and many of the people I know, fall break is really only a break from classes.  Work doesn’t stop, and if anything it’s a great time to do MORE work so as to not become swamped later.  But one exciting prospect about it being fall break is the chance to spend quality time in the kitchen.  During the busier times of the school year I cook in bulk on weekends, freeze food in advance, and rarely indulge on my favorite time-consuming labors of love.  And normally Jeremy helps, but this weekend?  No, my kitchen.

Since we went apple picking last weekend during Anran’s visit, we have quite the surplus of the fruit.  The  solution?  Apple butter!  Whereas homemade applesauce is super fast and easy, apple butter requires a good few hours of your time and a fair amount of patience.  But oh so worth it.  The final product is much more dense and has a smoother consistency that approaches jam, in part aided by the pectin released during the cooking process.  And the color?  Since the apples are cooked with their skins, halfway through you have a gorgeous rosy concoction that slowly deepens into a caramel brown as the mixture slow cooks.  Loooove.

Tomorrow we’re planning on making apple pie topped with butterscotch crumble, since Jeremy wanted me to wait until he was free to help.  Beyond apples?  Already made a pot of beef stew and have plans to cook much much more.  I may have to practice, work, read and write forever, but I’ll do it while eating well!

Apples

There are days when I miss you so much that I want to stop, I want to stop all the work and give up on the goals and go home and be with you.  But I can’t.  And those are the days when I need to remember why my work matters, and that I have to push myself even harder, and that every challenge in life is simply preparing you for the next.  It is not easy, but it will be worth it.

Still, I wish, always, that you were here.

Seriously, have you heard Impossible Souls yet?*

You know how young kids get excited by something and then talk about it nonstop for weeks on end?  And probably they will bring up the same story over and over because oh my gosh really do you not see how cool this is holy cow?

I am that kid.  Except you know, 23 years old.  So even though by now it has been over a week since the Sufjan concert, I’m still bringing it up.  And I still watch the youtube videos of the show compulsively.   And I still talk to Anran about it.  And well in semi-related news, that girl who used to go to UMich that I have a huge crush on?  Just found out she’s a huge Sufjan fan.  Boy did that not help with my compulsive gushing.

Anyway this next week is completely packed: a 7 page paper, a 10 page paper, a 20 min presentation + outline + bibliography, and (!!!) my first ever pre-concert lecture!  I’m going to be speaking to a small group of high school kids before the Alisa Weilerstein concert on Thursday.  But as though the stars have aligned, Friday marks not only the end of this ridiculous pile-on, but also THE DAY THAT ANRAN NEXT GETS HERE.

I know, what, wasn’t he just here?  That is twice in a one month period, yikes!

Normally our long-distance relationship works out such that we get to see each other about once a month, between him visiting and me going home for breaks, but thanks to him working a government job he gets Columbus day off!  So guess who’s visiting  that weekend!  A mere two weeks after his last visit!!  Exclamation point!!!

Two weeks isn’t even enough time for me to stop talking about Sufjan.  Poor kid.

Speaking of other things to gush about, my friend Ruby and I will be embarking on a new photography project, set to launch Oct 12th.  Two girls in two different states, two cameras, two styles, tied together by one ridiculous theme after another, once a week for a year.  Expect some fun times.

*Now you have no excuse.

With Apologies to Flint

“Hi, my name is Soof-JAN Stevens!”

And so, with adorable mispronunciation and self-mockery, thus perfectly began the greatest concert experience of my life.  I’ve been waiting for this ever since the end of summer, when Anran bought us tickets the minute they went on sale.  No, scratch that, I’ve been waiting for this ever since February of 2007, when Keith and I saw Sufjan Stevens perform at the Kennedy Center.  Anran, who is not a Sufjan fan, was initially on the fence about going and had been considering giving up his ticket to my friend Becca and just visiting me over the Labor Day weekend, but after I raved on and on about how that last Sufjan show was one of the happiest moments of my life and how meaningful it would be for him to experience this with me, of course he had no choice but to agree to go.  And happily, in the end he loved it!  It was also Anran’s first live show, so I’m glad I got to be there for it.

What to say what to say?  Nothing I write could truly explain how incredible the night was, but I will say this: hearing Sufjan live again made me feel, more than anything, so so lucky to be with someone that I loved.  While waiting for Sufjan to finish setting up the stage, a girl noticed the quality of my photos and proceeded to help me move up a little to a better vantage point, forcing me to leave Anran a behind in the crowd.  And for a while it was cool, and I took some of my new favorite shots out of all the photos I’ve ever taken, but upon hearing a gorgeous rendition of “Casamir Pulaski Day” and not being able to share it with Anran I suddenly felt silly and alone.  So once I got the chance I thanked that girl for helping me get a nice few and awkwardly plowed my way back to Anran, and even though my view was completely obscured by the extremely tall boys in front of me, it was just so infinitely better.

The following are my favorite shots of the concert.  With the exception of the one of me and Anran, which was taken via cell phone camera, everything was shot with my Nikon D80 using a 50mm f/1.8 at ISO 3200.  None of these have been cropped, so you’re getting a pretty accurate view of what I saw that night.  And that’s what I love so much about photography, because for all my friends who could not be there I can at least show them a piece of my experience, complete with that one tall guy’s head popping up consistently in front of my 5′4 view.

Priorities

The way my life is right now?  This is the first time I’ve ever felt truly challenged by everything that I’m trying to accomplish, and I’m loving it.  But it’s so hard sometimes.  And I don’t mean hard in terms of workload, or homework, or reading, because all of those are manageable with a hard work and a lot of concentration.  It’s hard because I know that I can’t do everything, and I need to pick and choose based on what I think is The Right Thing.  Most of the time this means prioritizing my academic life over my personal/social life, but also it affects what I choose as my points of focus.  I can’t take all the classes I want, I can’t work all the jobs I want, and I can’t see all the concerts and events that peak my interest.   I always want more!  But I think that’s a good thing, and something that I can happily embrace about who I am.

I’m getting Anran from the airport in a little over an hour and I’m so so excited.  This is the first major “break” I’m taking since school started, except I have another 20 min presentation to give on Tuesday, plus Anran has to come babysitting with me on Saturday.  But when you only see someone once a month any time is precious, and in a way it’s kind of nice to have both awesome plans and the mundane.

And then back to work work work!

Busy Bee

(10:35:32 PM) toomasu: how to see if emily is busy in two easy steps:
(10:35:38 PM) toomasu: 1. go to her flickr account
(10:35:47 PM) toomasu: 2. observe, has it been updated recently?
(10:35:51 PM) m-ily: hahaha
(10:35:53 PM) toomasu: if no to 2, then emily is busy

This is only partially true, as I forgot to bring my camera battery charger to Michigan and thus have been forced to budget my camera use appropriately, especially since I need enough battery to cover the first night when Anran gets to town (!!).  Still, I have been quite busy these days.  And really it’s been a bit of a rough weekend, so for now I leave you with this gem, sent to me by Anran in an attempt to cheer me up.

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 `---' .'.''-._.-'`_./  /\ '.  \ _.-~~~````~~~-._`-.__.'
       | |  .' _.-' |  |  \  \  '.               `~---`
        \ \/ .'     \  \   '. '-._)
         \/ /        \  \    `=.__`~-.
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   , _.-'.'\ \        / /    ( (     / /
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           (/`    ( (`          ) )  '-;
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Of Babysitting and Boots

Work work work!  This musicology certificate is already keeping me quite busy, and that’s with just one week of class so far.  It’s time consuming and can be frustrating, but for the first time in my life I feel like I’m actually doing everything in my power to achieve my academic potential (now to just combine that with my performance potential?).  On Wednesday I have a job interview with the University Musical Society (wish me luck!) and I also talked a little to my teacher about contacting the Ann Arbor Symphony to do some internship/outreach work for them too.

As a nice way to make some extra cash (and avoid doing actual work) I spent the past two evenings babysitting for my violin teachers.  They have two sons, ages 6 and 9, and holy smokes are they precious.  It made me realize that after the past year of working through America Reads, I approach all child interaction as if they’ll be filled with the kind of struggles involved in working with kids from disadvantaged backgrounds.  These boys?  Kept track of time, were polite and fun and friendly, didn’t put up any struggles about bedtime, and were just so well-behaved that I would babysit them for free if I didn’t have to worry about eating and bills and whatnot.  And on top of that they’re just plain adorable.

In other news, since Ann Arbor weather is much like that of Cleveland, my mom graciously paid for my first ever ModCloth purchase: rain boots!  I’m praying that they fit…they were only available in a size 6, and my feet vary between a size 6 and size 7, depending on the shoe.  I”m already in love!

Now all I need are some proper snow boots.  The cheap ones I had for Cleveland died by the end of the two years and are no longer waterproof, which at the end of their life required me to wear at least three pairs of socks per day (not okay).  It’s always nice to have a reason to buy new shoes!